Reactions
Such a lot has changed in a short time
We have gained considerable insight into how men and women function: why we always mean well in relation to each other but why the message does not always come across in the right way. Months of therapy were not necessary; after just a couple of sessions we understood each other better and could begin to build up our relationship once more. Hans gives useful tips and because he knows so much about how our minds work he can deal with every question.
Regain the feeling of being in love
Everyone knows that feeling of being complete, of being unaware of time and space. That is the feeling you have when you are anywhere near your partner at the start of a relationship. Indescribably wonderful and everyone experiences this differently.
But what if you have been together for years and begin to notice that you no longer live your daily life together? That you do everything independently? What if you see that your partner has become a good friend but that there is no longer any passion? What if you eventually ask yourself whether the relationship you have is worthwhile continuing?
This happened to us after we had been together for almost 6 years. The intimacy had gradually disappeared over the years. One of us had reached the point of chucking it in, of ending the relationship. We were both totally heartbroken but could not really find alternative ways of being close again. Although we still communicated with each other, we were not able to prevent a separation. During the journey we had started together, our boats were drifting away from each other. When we eventually realised this, our boats were already miles apart.
Several months after ending the relationship, we began to miss each other more and more. We both realised we had had a wonderful time together and neither of us wanted to throw this away. So, we decided to return to harbour and ask for help. During our search we found Hans at Triple Impact.
The Triple Impact therapy teaches you new ways of communicating with each other. Hans explained the theory in an understandable and amusing way, but his focus was on giving us practical exercises. You employ relatively simple but searching exercises that you can apply in your daily life. They enable you to get to know yourself and your partner much better, so you understand your own and your partner’s behavioural patterns. In our case, the trust and intimacy returned in no time. The techniques we learnt have made us more aware of our relationship and enabled us to reach deeper levels together. We are now connected to each other more strongly than ever before.
Hans played a very important role in achieving this. Not only did he guide us effectively and professionally through the process, but he was also able to create an atmosphere of trust and safety. And that is exactly what we needed at this stage of our journey together. Our feeling of being in love has returned and now we are both consciously sailing the same course.
Rebuilding
“We clearly had a relationship problem. Although we wanted to continue together we had no idea how. We had actually wanted to avoid therapy, thinking we should sort things out ourselves. However, our relationship was disintegrating to such an extent that we decided to enlist the help of an external expert.
An acquaintance of ours recommended Triple Impact. After the intake session in which we heard what the general approach was, we decided to throw in our lot with this organisation. The frame of reference for working together would be our relationship problem.
We feel this was considered in a balanced way , our individual participation in the situation being analysed critically. Sometimes that was painful and confrontational but because the painful feedback was given in a constructive, clear and empathic manner, we felt positive about each session. The inviting and safe climate our therapist created certainly helped in this respect. By telling our story and our individual experiences to an independent third party – who always knew which questions he needed to ask, supporting the answers with some theoretical background information – we began to recognise that we were not the only ones with this sort of problem. Talking to the therapist and then reflecting on what we had told him had a consciousness-raising function.
It appeared that various blockages and inhibitions had developed over the years. This applied to both of us and it was something we had not really been aware of, even though it was affecting our communication. Many of the problems were related to things we had experienced in our youth. For example: moments when you feel completely alone because one of your parents has died and nobody at home talks about it. This continues to take its toll – to the extent that there is still a strong desire to be comforted. It was necessary to cope with the grief if we were to move on further. However, becoming aware of the role of such occurrences turned out to be half the battle.
The sessions led to the release of a great deal of pent up grief and anger. We were taught to allow this to happen in a constructive and direct way. At the same time, attention was paid to how these intense emotions should be received , while doing justice to both partners. After practising under guidance, we could do the same at home, thus learning to express our anger and to show our grief and vulnerability, as well as setting limits and accepting that from each other. This enabled us to get to know ourselves better and we learned what the pitfalls were in our relationship and how we should deal with these.
Our own contribution was given priority in each session. There was plenty of opportunity for discussing our experiences. The therapist was able to respond both flexibly and expertly.
We have worked hard at rebuilding our relationship, with the help of the therapy. That was sometimes difficult, confrontational, painful, and always very intensive. We suddenly had a great many things to make sense of in our relationship! And that has worked very positively for us.
We had not really looked forward to the therapy, but they became increasingly more pleasant. We had such a lot to talk about and to assimilate that we dined out in town after each session. These were meaningful evenings; while we ate, we could calmly look back on what we had discussed and gradually come to ourselves.
After ten sessions, we had already made considerable progress and later on we did another couple of sessions as a refresher. The result is that we appear to be able to cope together again on our own.” I & M
The relationship with our son has also improved now that we get along better together
"We would like to let you know that we are getting on really well. We are still happy with the route we have chosen. Your relationship therapy made many things clear, not just for our relationship but also regarding the people around us.
If we now have an argument, we return to it by, for example, saying "Shall we start the evening again?" This is how we listen to each other and there is understanding as well. Previously this did not happen at all and we then each thought "Get lost!" and went to bed still angry.
We are also sticking to what we agreed about household chores. A piece of A4 paper can performwonders! Because our promises are written down, it's clear to both of us what is expected and, if necessary, we can remind each other.
The television also remains switched off quite a lot. We make time to do things together. We also notice that the therapy has helped our son. He is calmer and more enthusiastic in his contact with us. Our relationship with him has improved now that we get along together better.
M. is also noticing changes at work. Colleagues regularly come to him to talk about private matters. That never happened before. He has become much more accessible to other people and gets compliments about this. We certainly agree with what other people have written about your therapy on your website.
We regularly come across other people in our circle of acquaintances who have the same problems. We have enthusiastically told a number of these about you and about your website". C&M
Better understanding through better communication
“Relationship therapy has raised the quality of our relationship to an even higher level. We understand each other better because we communicate more, better and sooner with each other. The sessions made a big impression on us, especially in helping us to come to terms with the death of my father. That was a very special – and rewarding – experience. Our relationship with my mother has also improved. There are still the unavoidable clashes, but we cope with them better. This is to thank you once again for the warm and eye-opening encounters.”
On the same track together
“During a train journey two years ago, I looked out of the window and realised that my husband was working himself to the bone in his job at NS and I was jogging faster and faster along the railway line behind our house. In the journey that was our marriage, two separate railway tracks had been created and the distance between them was increasing. We each had our own route, ignoring all the signals of life, totally without interaction or stop signs. At that point, we together decided to call ‘halt’ and go into therapy. Hans ’t Hart offered us his expert help. In his calm, clear and trustworthy manner, while allowing us plenty of room to think about things and express our feelings, he mapped out a route for us that would prevent the derailment that was threatening. He taught us to read each other’s signals once more, to feel what time was doing to us and that collisions are unavoidable if progress is to be made. With the help of some important theoretical principles, a handy workbook and a hefty dose of humour, Hans filled our travel bag with provisions so we could continue further on our journey – together, and over the same track. Although we realise the track will not always be smooth, this therapy has meant we now dare to embark with fresh enthusiasm on this journey.”
Help and insight
“ ....... I want you to know that A. and I are getting married on 3 April!
It took a while, but now things are going really well between us! I sincerely believe that the help and insight you gave us (and the exercises we did) were largely responsible for our remaining together. In particular, I have learned that by giving the other person what they need, you also ‘heal’ yourself. Once again, our thanks!
Thankful ….
“I look back on the sessions at Triple Impact with gratitude. Hans is an excellent coach, one who combines many fine qualities. Sometimes he used theory and at other times our personal situation to point out various ways of halting the downward spiral in which we found ourselves.
The insights we gained into each other’s reaction patterns and old emotional wounds have helped us. It wasn’t always pleasant carrying out the homework tasks but they certainly enabled us to go into things in more depth – regarding ourselves and each other.
Speaking for myself, I really looked forward to the sessions. After each session I was able to experience space within myself and between my partner and me, and this was really satisfying. Not always easy but really good. Key points are: make your relationship valid; get the love you want; and take a good look at what you yourself need.” S & A
Assisteren bij een workshop Getting the Love You Want (Engeland):
"Hans was an asset and helped my partner and I through a very challenging dialogue. The workshop would not have been the same without him."
"What a lovelly guy. He really helped us out of a pickle. He is very approachable and funny."
"Great to have a male presenter and male input/empathy."
"Very helpful and perceptive."
